Q: I’m an independent thirty-something woman. But my mom still insists it’s her prerogative and responsibility as a parent to screen the men in my life. I’ve been interacting with a so-far-so-good guy online who’s finally coming to visit from out of town. But my mother says she needs a few hours with him so that she can “interview” him and tell him about me. This can’t be appropriate!
Jim: My initial reaction is that it sounds like your mom has serious control issues. Wise motherly advice is great when it’s offered in the right way. But your mom needs to learn that advice isn’t advice until it’s requested. Whatever she might think, at this stage of your life it’s not her place to tell you what to do.
If you think she’d be open to hearing your concerns, I’d suggest you talk to her about your feelings. You might say something like, “Mom, I appreciate your concern for me, but I need to make these types of decisions for myself.” Then let her know that she simply doesn’t have the right to subject your prospective boyfriends to some kind of interrogation. If she listens and agrees, you’ve gained your point. If not, you may need to keep your distance. Boundaries are good for all kinds of relationships – especially relationships with controlling and manipulative personalities.
