Q: My father treated me horribly when I was a child, so my relationship with him was strained and distant until the day he died. I never worked things out with him in person, and now I’m struggling with feelings of bitterness, anger and even a little guilt. How can I get past this?
Jim: Losing a family member is never easy, but it’s even harder when we have unresolved issues with the person who has passed on. Psychologists call this “complicated mourning.”
One way to begin working through these issues is to write a letter to your father as if he were still alive. Put all your feelings down in writing, as clearly and thoroughly as you can. Express your hurt, anger, loss and frustration. Once the letter is complete, you might even want to visit your father’s grave and read the letter “to him” there. That’s purely symbolic, of course, but some people have found it liberating.
